Trauma shaped my expectations.
I was unaware that if my father didn’t provide safety in the way I needed, there was a chance I would long for another male to complete me. Or, that if my mother didn’t provide the attention I deserved, that I might struggle with my self-image and expect other humans to uplift me.
Not that I shouldn’t desire safe and validating relationships, but depending on another human to complete me is a WHOLE ‘NOTHER LEVEL.
Because I didn’t know these things, I spent years living in a victim and entitled mentality. This mindset led me to waiting on someone to choose, rescue, understand, and love me deeply. I desired these things so I could finally be happy and free from the pain within.
Expectations are the quickest pathway to disappointment, right?
Expectations can lead to making our needs and healing become the responsibility of someone else—consciously or unconsciously.
Because deep down, there’s a little child (living in an adult body) still waiting to have her needs met by her caregivers.
Healing has taught me that others can’t be my source for these crucial things; only I have that kind of power. No one can be my source of love, safety, security, or peace.
My wholeness is teaching me to rise and empower myself.
The path to healing starts with forgiving myself for actions I took when I didn’t know any better. And then, no longer waiting to be chosen, rescued, understood, or loved by another human.
No longer waiting to be chosen:
Being chosen feels like a sense of accomplishment to the little child inside who was rejected. You wait around with the mentality that external acceptance is what you need to be whole. The inner human be like: “I want you to choose me, because that means I’m worthy and enough.”
I’m no longer waiting to be chosen by someone, because I understand that I am the one who chooses me. If a person doesn’t value me as I am, I will not play up to anyone —I don’t need external approval or affirmations to survive.
It’s the good girl mentality from unmet childhood needs that lead us to desire being chosen by others. But we’re on grown-woman time now. Grown women choose themselves; grown women value themselves.
No longer waiting to be rescued:
Being rescued is consciously or unconsciously waiting for someone to be a hero in your own story. Whether that’s waiting for a man to help us feel complete, a parent to heal/acknowledge wounds, or society to step up – I’m not waiting on anything outside of myself to “fix me.”
And, I get it. I get how grieving it can be, to be hurt by someone and not have them make things right. I get how it can almost feel as if they should be the ones to fix you. I used to share a similar philosophy; it cost me a lot a chest pain, anger, and inner imbalance.
Life can be unfair and our stories can be unfavorable. Yet, our lives were gracefully assigned to us the day we were born. We get to be the sheroes in our story. Our wounds may not be our fault, but our healing is our responsibility because our lives matter.
No longer waiting to be understood:
When tragedies happen, there tends to be a longing for someone to validate and understand our pain. Specifically, we may want the person(s) who hurt us to validate and understand our pain. That longing for understanding is a human need; it is also what our hearts believe will bring us closure. Sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn’t.
Sometimes, they won’t understand us and this can be hurtful. They won’t understand the pain they caused us. They won’t see your point of view. They won’t take accountability for hurting you. And no matter how much you try to explain to them, they won’t get it – OR they won’t admit their faults to you.
But you do not need them to understand you to heal. You don’t have to receive any formal closure from them; that’s giving them too much power over your healing. What matters is that you know your truth, and you understand you. You can bring closure to your situation.
No longer waiting to be loved:
Many of us beautiful souls just want to be loved, to feel that we matter here.
It’s unfortunate that we did not feel loved in childhood, and struggle to love ourselves in adulthood. A hole exists in the heart and it feels like “something is always missing.”
When the relationship comes or a career flourishes – we may believe those external gains can fill our love-draught void.
But more often than not, we realize that after a while, “something is still missing” internally.
If you know, you know.
And that something is: deep love.
The type of love that makes you feel grounded, meaningful, and accepted. The type of love that connects you deep into your humanity and aligns perfectly with the universe. The type of love that rids you of loneliness.
The love that, even if you didn’t learn how, can only come from you.
You are your home. Your heart dwells inside of you. And inside your home is where complete love originates.
Lean more into your soul.
May the warrior in you RISE into her power. May the divine one assist you as you evolve into the woman that you need to be for yourself; no self-hate or condemnation. Instead, bossing up and writing a new chapter—the chapter where you become your SHERO.